just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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