I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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