I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
