you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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