I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just cropdusted the office
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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