Soap is not a condiment
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
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