We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize