Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
