I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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