i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
