1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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