allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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