Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize