Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
