On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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