First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My liver just had a heart attack.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
