Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
