Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
