Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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