I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
