Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Mom said you looked used
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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