It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
