You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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