I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize