Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
