Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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