She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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