I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize