Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
