We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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