Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need to calm my uterus...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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