DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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