Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
