Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
