I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
