Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
