When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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