Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
