Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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