I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You ruined the universe
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
