I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
