I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he was CRYING into my vagina
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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