meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
