do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
