So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
