your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
