I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
