God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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