we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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