every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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