So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
