What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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