Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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