Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
