i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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