All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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