Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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