That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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