You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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