i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
