i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
