Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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