Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
please come you make the beer taste better
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize