My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
