things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
