Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
