And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
